Don’t email me any more willies, please.

What is the etiquette when being sent rude, sexist and often laughless fish-wife email fwds in the workplace?

You know the ones I mean, the soulless fwds with the subject title something along the lines of: ^^fwd:HILARIOUS!You MUST read!^^ The email within revealing a flash animation of an african tribesman dancing with his inordinantly-sized genetalia and a garish caption below reading “That’s why African women run so fast!!!! Now if that doesn’t cheer you up, nothing will!!!Happy Monday!!!xxxx!!!”

The lady who sends you the email looks over her computer moniter with childish glee and anticipation awaiting your fall-off-the-chair laughter and reactive fwding the message to literally everybody in your address book because it is so piggin’ hilarious.

No. The picture is marginally off-putting while munching on your 10am Muller lite and the joke is not funny. It thinks its funny because its been sent to literally thousands of bored office-workers none of whome will have cracked a smile and instead obligingly continued the grim chain for eternity.

So what is the etiquette? Am I some humourless bitch with a pole up my anus for not laughing because an African tribesman has a big willy? Should I laugh so my colleague feels gratified that she has sent me another ridiculous and shallow-humoured email when we should both be either working or making the other a cup of tea? Or should I tackle the issue straight on, send her an email in response and tell her that my hard-drive is being physically abused with the spam she insists on sending me and neither do I find it cheeky nor fun. No, because that would make all of my colleagues think I am a humourless bitch with a pole up my anus.

My boss went about it the right way. She outwardly told my colleague in light-hearted terms that its all too much and she’d never get any work done and so she has put my colleagues email account on her “trash”list. Only a boss with as manipulative and macheavaelian a humour as mine could manage to make herself an office-politics omelette without breaking a single shell. I mean putting a colleague on the trash list is the equivalent of publically ostrecising a colleague and condemning them to a small room full of phony viagra-dealers and lunatics.

But the emails keep on coming. Bottoms and penises, viagra jokes, jokes about elderley womens’ breasts, quips about how men are useless and blondes are stupid, the list continues to snowball like some ghastly x-rated Chrismas cracker joke avalanche on my Outlook Express.

 I think what displeases me the most, regardless of the forged chuckle and “that’s really funny” mumble before returning to one’s sensible emails. I resent being told at the end of an email that I have to laugh because in violently arranged CAPS – THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! THE FUNNIEST THING YOU WILL SEE ALL DAY!!!! I HOPE THIS PUT A SMILE ACROSS YOUR FACE!!!!! But it doesn’t. It falls under the same category of the mundane as teenagers who type the word LOL without laughing out loud at all. Now there’s a new and improved LOL – they call it ROFL (rolling ont he floor laughing) – I mean how many people even smile when they write that? Or more intriguingly, how many people crack up and writhe on the floor liek they are in an epeleptic fit-worthy state of amusement before picking themselves, dusting themselves off and typing – ROFL.

Internet-related gripes aside, there needs to be some kind of enforced penatly on idiot female colleagues who insist on sharing their bad taste in jokes with all in sundry. If you’re going to send me a joke, at least leave out the fact that enjoying the joke in mandatory and you are condemned to be a sour-puss for’ere more if you fail to move your mouth into anything other than an expressionless indifference (or disgust). I would like to enjoy my Muller yoghurt at 10am without fear of ejaculation or KY Jelly interfering with my simple pleasures.

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